My Foursome With Courtney Love

Lately everyone is writing up their embarassing Courtney Love stories, and there sure seems to be an awful lot of them. Courtney is undergoing a full meltdown, which doesn’t surprise me one bit, since I personally witnessed the beginning of it all. And therein hangs a tale.

Back in 1987 at the height of my Los Angeles clubgoing days, a friend of mine, who I will merely call “J” so as to spare him embarassment, called me up with an invitation. He said we should get together tonight and go to dinner with Zander Schloss from The Circle Jerks, a good time would be had by all. Since I had a new car, I was driving (that’s usually how these invitations worked). So J and I set off for Lucy’s El Adobe to meet Zander. Lucy’s is a strange little place, it’s right across from Paramount Studios, and furnished with the typical trappings of any cheap Mexican restaurant, except that the walls are covered with photographs of Gov. Jerry Brown and Linda Ronstadt. Every time I saw the photos, I always thought of a remark by Phillip K. Dick, he said he wanted his epitaph to read “he discovered Linda Ronstadt, and signed her up.” I’m sure I’m the only person who ever thought this particular thought at Lucy’s.

J and I arrived at Lucy’s and met Zander, who had a woman in tow, a chubby bottle-blonde wearing a dumpy thrift-store dress, he introduced her as Courtney Love. The four of us were seated in a booth and I sat right across from Courtney. At the time, I had no idea who Courtney was (and neither did anyone else), but she was determined to let us know exactly how important she was. She blabbed endlessly about all the trivialities of the club scene, who was seen where and with who, which bored me to no end, since I’d been at all those clubs too, and gossip about club stars had no interest for me. Courtney delivered her nonstop commentary while shoveling massive quantities of chips and salsa into her mouth in a most unattractive manner. Just as I thought my level of annoyance could not rise any higher, Courtney announced she had “arrived” as a club star, she appeared in “La Dee Da,” the LA Weekly club scene column. I had heard this sort of claim to “fame” from other club star wannabees, so I decided to deliver a retort, “oh, did they mention you by name, or did they just mention the club you were at?” My remark was met with an icy stare, and Courtney just sat there and silently glared at me.

The focus of conversation shifted due to the sudden silence, which was a relief to everyone. Now Zander started expressing his upset at the release of Stanley Kubrick’s new movie “Full Metal Jacket.” Zander explained that he had auditioned for a major role in the movie but was rejected, and now that the movie was released, he was convinced that his performance would have been far better than the actor who got the part. He decided to prove his assertion by loudly performing his audition monologue straight from the FMJ script. This brought nervous glances from other frightened restaurant patrons, who heard an obviously crazy man yelling about killing gooks, and wondered if they should flee. I had no such doubts, I was determined to flee at the first possible opportunity.

After the meal wound down and several more beers were consumed, Xander and Courtney now admitted they were short of cash and the bill was higher than they planned, so could we cover their tab? J said he’d cover them, which meant that he had to borrow cash from me, since I was the only person in this foursome that had a real job. I knew J wouldn’t pay me back, but I figured that forking over a few bucks was the shortest path to the exit.

As we left Lucy’s, we stood outside in the damp, cool LA evening air, but Zander and Courtney weren’t quite ready to let us go. Courtney’s demeanor towards me changed and she turned on the charm, which repulsed me even more than anything she had done so far. She said that she was going out with Zander to score some heroin, but she didn’t have any cash left, so I should come along with her and if I bought, we could do some heroin together and party all night long. Even unto today, I have never heard such an unappealing proposition, and I have no inclination whatsoever to do needle drugs, so I pondered how to decline politely, or even whether politeness was desirable under the circumstances. I just said “no thanks, I don’t do that shit.” Zander and Courtney decided they had no further use for us, so they slinked off into the night, and J and I went back to my car. Once inside, J turned to me and asked, “what was that all about?”

One thought on “My Foursome With Courtney Love”

  1. Oh dear, Charles…. thank for this gem…
    I know Lucy’s and have had the unfortunate grace to meet one of the other persons in your foursome….
    OMG, I was afraid I guffawed so loudly the neighbors would awaken!
    [I figure you met Xander, you couldn’t possibly know who “J” is, could you? –Charles]

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